When you have nothing to say...

Hi friends,

How are you doing? After six weeks of sharing weekly letters documenting my writing coursework, I said how much I’d been enjoying a more regular rhythm with these letters and then, well, five weeks have flown by without a peep. 

And that’s what I want to get into today, when you quite simply have nothing to say.

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I’ve realised as well it’s not just Substack I’ve been neglecting, it’s my journal too. In the past I was a journal before bed every night kinda gal, but that hasn’t been true for a while. As a writer (at heart and by trade) writing is how I process, share, untangle – whether in my journal or here. So why haven’t I been doing it lately? I think there are a couple of components…

I haven’t had anything to say

When I turn to my journal, it’s for a reason. It’s usually because I’m overwhelmed and need a space to contain myself. And I guess I just haven’t needed that so often lately (which is rather nice). Here on Substack, an idea or thought usually flings itself to the front of my mind, desperate to be shared. But lately no ideas or thoughts have flung. That’s not to say I haven’t had any, they just haven’t demanded an audience. 

I guess I’ve also given myself a big permission slip not to share, after closing the doors to my business, Blue Jay of Happiness. When I first set up this space on Substack I knew I wasn’t going to set a schedule for it. This is a place I’m sharing purely for enjoyment. There’s no ulterior motive, no strategy, no plan to charge for anything. With that comes a huge amount of freedom. To share when I want and to stay quiet when I want. 

This has translated to my social media posting more recently too. Helped in large part by me re-watching the Social Dilemma documentary and reminding myself of the darker side to online sharing and scrolling. 

I’ll never be one to say social media is bad for you, I believe it can change lives, create connection when it's desperately needed and help people in a variety of ways. But we can’t ignore the darker side – being manipulated by algorithms without us knowing, being the product that’s being sold, existing in echo-chambers that’s polarising society further and further. 

There’s been moments when I’ve found myself thinking ‘I should post something’ or ‘should I vlog today?’, almost scrambling in the dark for something to share. Then I remind myself, I don’t have to. I can just be for a while.    

En route to date night with Dan

I’ve been focusing on the doing and being, not the reflecting and analysing 

Writing and sharing has always been a way for me to reflect and analyse (*waves* this is what I’m doing right now). Recently though I’ve not been drawn to this. Life has been full, but beautiful lately. In the weeks since we spoke I have:

• enjoyed a spa trip with my sister to celebrate my birthday

• eaten out at restaurants four times (twice with Dan, once with my sister and once with friends)

• tried orange wine for the first time (it’s nice!)

• been to the office five times

• spoke on Anna Dunleavy’s podcast about quitting Blue Jay

• roared at monsters in the garden with my niece

• had my car MOT’d

• done seven shifts of volunteer work for Beat

• started a proposal for an exciting work project

• got my eyebrows tinted for the first time (game-changer)

• played countless hours of The Sims (and wrote about my love of cosy gaming)

• Completed a mini campaign at work, tied together with a piece on ARFID (an often misunderstood eating disorder)

• Been to Pilates every week and done dance workouts most weeks (swimming has taken a back seat, but it’ll be back soon)

There’s probably more, but I think you get the picture. Life has been life-ing, and while it’s been mostly lovely, it has also been tiring at times. So my energy hasn’t gone into sharing, processing, analysing. It’s gone into just enjoying it. Being in it. Recovering when I need to, hustling (yes, I said it) when I need to. 

And I have to say, just being in the moment with all of it is feeling nice. I’m happy with my rhythms. I’m happy with where things are moving. I don’t feel the pull to pick it apart, to find ‘something’ to improve, to make any grand plans for the future. Everything is ticking along nicely.

I know this won’t always be the case… Perhaps it’s because of this awareness that I want to hold onto it. It’s likely a temporary situation that may slip through my hands at any moment. So for now, I’m looking, not reflecting. I’m being, not thinking. And it’s pretty wonderful.

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Will another five weeks pass before I write again? I’m not sure. This letter may well have opened the floodgates (I must admit, the words for this have poured out rather generously). Perhaps you’ll hear from me every week with a new thought to share. Maybe I’ll go back into my doing and being hole and pipe up months later. 

I hope either is OK for you. Personally I never look at an email from someone and think about how long it’s been since they last emailed, I just smile and think “I wonder what they have to say”. And I hope it’s the same for you. If it’s not, you are always welcome to unsubscribe, no hard feelings here. 

I would love to hear any thoughts you have on this, are you in a reflecting/analysing/sharing season right now or have you joined me in the doing/being hole?

Until next time, take care.

Kat x