On my mind…

A few things on my mind at the moment, including getting therapy.

Hello everyone,

How are you doing? For the first time in a few weeks I feel like I have the space to write here and at first I had no idea what I wanted to write. Then I had an idea that, after mulling it over, felt a bit too raw to share.

So I’ve ended up here, deciding to just share a few things running through my mind at the moment. No real theme or through line, no helpful take-aways, just good old fashioned sharing.

I would however love this to be a two-way conversation, so please do let me know what’s on your mind at the moment in the comments.

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Getting therapy

OK, this relates to that idea that felt too raw to share, so instead of going into detail about why I’ve realised I want therapy, I’ll give you the broad strokes. I’ve had therapy twice in my life before and both times, I was at breaking point.

The first time was as a teenager when I had an eating disorder, I started with general counselling and once they realised what was really going on, I was referred to a specialist (all through the NHS).

The second time was in 2017 when my anxiety suddenly got really bad and I was struggling to get through my day-to-day routine. Again, I went the NHS route and got some CBT that was really helpful.

This time is definitely different. I’m not at breaking point at all. Instead, I’m finding certain things swirling around my head and my usual bag of tricks isn’t working to stop the swirl.

I’m also noticing there are certain emotions I’m actively avoiding, numbing myself with The Sims or binge-watching medical dramas in an attempt to cut myself off from the feelings. These two in combination are making me realise I would probably benefit from speaking to a professional. 

Another difference this time around is that I want to go down the private route. I’m lucky that I work for Happiful, the company that runs Counselling Directory, and a benefit of working there is that I get a yearly allowance to put towards support from a therapist listed with us. This will make a big difference in terms of cost, but regardless, it feels like a worthy investment. I’m keen to work in a more open-ended way with a therapist and going private, I feel, gives you a bit more flexibility in this regard.

Another gentle nudge towards this decision was the recording of (and re-listening to) the podcast I host on processing emotions. If you’re interested in the inner-working of processing emotion and different tools that can help, give it a listen or read the transcript. 

Utilising my Fridays

I work full-time, but compressed hours, Monday to Thursday. My Fridays therefore mostly look like this: Slow morning, breakfast in bed, get up, get ready, go to a coffee shop with Dan on his lunch break, come home, play The Sims all afternoon, have dinner, watch a film, go to bed.

Perfectly lovely, and I’m very grateful for the space I have in this day… but sometimes my Saturdays and Sundays also look like this (with a little housework and volunteer work sprinkled in), and I can’t help but think there may be a better way to spend my Fridays - especially considering the point above about me kinda using The Sims as a numbing tool at the moment (a fun one, but a numbing tool no less). 

I’m hoping I can find a therapist with availability on Fridays, so I can have sessions then and I want to start swimming on Fridays.

Previously I’ve tried to shoehorn swimming into my working week, either waking up at 5am to get a swim in before work, or leaving the flat at 8:30pm for an evening swim. Neither have really worked for me and at the moment, work is taking up quite a bit of energy (I’m adjusting to new responsibilities after a recent promotion and taking on elements of my managers role while she’s on maternity leave) and I think I’ve realised I need to conserve my energy on working days and limit exercise to gentle walks and my weekly Pilates class. 

Picturing it, an ideal Friday to me would involve a swim, a therapy session and some creative writing (more on this below!). Then I still have the whole weekend to do housework, socialise, run errands, do volunteer work and yes - play The Sims.

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Doing a(nother) writing course

I so loved the writing course I did at the end of last year on short story writing. This year I set myself an intention to enter competitions and submit to literary magazines, mainly to keep me in the habit of writing and so far I’ve entered two competitions and submitted to one literary magazine.

I’ve also joined an online writing group from Dear Damsels and enjoyed a character workshop from them too. I’m loving learning more and I’ve got the itch to go deeper with it.

Initially I got excited and started looking into getting a creative writing Masters, but quickly dropped that idea after spotting the cost (I don’t have a spare £10K lying around, nor do I particularly want to add to my student debt).

I have found something smaller though. A 10-week online fiction writing course from Oxford University. It’s still an investment, but I am serendipitously getting a bonus from work this month which would cover the cost of it without me needing to dip into my savings or take out a loan. 

My only slight reservation is the amount of work needed, it looks like it’ll be about 10 hours of learning a week, which would mean it would probably need to spread over Fridays and Saturdays, especially taking into account me wanting to start therapy and swimming on Fridays.

But… it is also only 10 weeks, and looking at the course outline and module titles I just know I’ll love it. I’ve realised having a creative outlet outside of work is so important for my wellbeing, and it feels so fun to be in the learning stage of something like this again. 

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So there we go, a bit of a word vomit moment to share the things taking residence in my mind. I know I keep saying it, but my word of the year, ‘onward’, really was the right choice for me.

I’m feeling it in my working life (and loving it, now the initial shock to the system/stress has eased!) And I guess now I want to take that momentum into my personal life. 

Let’s see what happens. I will, of course, keep you posted. Now, over to you… what’s on your mind right now?

Until next time, take care.

Kat x