My museum of failures
Come for a walk with me around my museum of failures
Hi friends,
How have the past few weeks been? I am feeling fully ‘back’ at my home and work routine after our lovely trip to Portugal last month (I wrote about it here), but I’m still feeling the positive ‘reset’ effects of the holiday, which is rather lovely.
Recently I read a Substack post that struck a chord. It was about our ‘museums of failures’, a trend I had spotted doing the rounds on social media.
The Substack post in question was written by Michelle at Sundaze Book Cafe (a cosy, lovely Substack and one of the few I pay for) and the social media trend came from the brilliant Kristabel.
Both of these creators started blogging around the time I did and I’ve been following in some capacity ever since. It some slightly disconnected ways, it feels like we’re peers and it’s nice to see people you’ve grown up alongside online share so candidly.
The idea of sharing your museum of failures is to reframe them. Look at them with compassion and curiosity. I love the idea, especially considering what you personally consider a failure and what society may consider a failure.
So, here are a few of my own - I don’t truly see any of these as failures, but rather things that could perhaps do with reframing and exploring…
Having driving anxiety
Out of everything on this list, this feels the most failure-y of them all. My driving anxiety holds me back and I keep telling people, “I’ll get on top of It soon” then proceed to scurry away and ignore it until the next time I’m asked to drive somewhere new.
I know the steps I need to take to work on this. Small steps. Local journeys using Waze. Perhaps some advanced driver training (a quick google has revealed plenty of options). Maybe give hypnotherapy a go.
The anxiety just insists I push it down and ignore (hello avoidance!). Sooooo I’ve not taken any of those steps.
Part of me has this fantasy where we move somewhere with excellent public transport and I can sell my car. Or perhaps Dan will learn to drive, fall in love with it and take over as driver for us. But I know I can’t (or shouldn’t) wait for that.
Looking at this through a lens of compassion though, I realise that I have accomplished a lot despite my driving anxiety. I learned to drive even though I hated every minute. I face the challenge that is Guildford traffic regularly.
I have pushed myself to drive new routes, like to the swimming pool and more recently to a restaurant for dinner with friends. Last year I drove to my work Christmas party for the first time ever, and this year (because it’s at the same place!) I’ll do the same. I can drive to important places like work and to family. I’m happy to use public transport and make the effort there if driving feels too much.
I’m also more open about it than I used to be. I used to make excuses, feigning an illness to get out of driving. Now I just say - it makes me anxious. When I do, friends, colleagues and loved ones are always understanding and willing to help.
I will get on top of it soon. Promise.
Closing down my coaching business
Deciding to close down my confidence coaching business, BlueJay of Happiness in 20XX was a decision I thought would drip with failure. But it honestly never felt like that. It felt like relief and coming back to what I truly want.
Every now and then I look back and feel a little deflated about what could have been if I hadn’t spent X years trying to make the business work, living off of part-time pay and stepping down from a management position.
Would I be further in my career? Would we have more money? But then I remember what I gained from that business, even though it technically failed.
It connected me to some amazing people, it helped me push my own comfort zone with public speaking and self-promotion, I learned how to host and produce a podcast and of course - how to coach people.
All of those skills have been funnelled into my career now, whether it’s using coaching skills with colleagues and Happiful directory members, hosting/producing the Happiful podcast or hosting live online events and appearing in videos.
I wouldn’t feel as confident as I do in those areas without BlueJay, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Not owning a home / not being married
I’m lumping these together in the category of things I don’t perceive to be a failure at all, but feel some of society does. The truth is, Dan and I would like to own a home - somewhere with outdoor space, somewhere we can decorate how we want, somewhere we can easily have pets.
But right now, we wouldn’t know where to settle. There are work-related ducks we need to get in a row before we consider buying and honestly - we’re going to continue living a life we love until that point.
We could change our lifestyles to give our savings a boost for sure, but we’re not in any rush. Once we have a clearer idea of where we’d go, perhaps our mindset will change. Right now, our savings are growing steadily and that in itself feels like a mini triumph in this economy.
Getting married is also something we want to do. We’ve been together nearly nine years and it’s safe to say we feel steady in our relationship. Having a wedding will be amazing when we get to it - I’m excited to have my friends and family in the same place, celebrating our love with us.
In the past I put an arbatory time stamp on it, saying I’d like to get married before 40. The closer I get to 40, however, the less I care about my age.
Getting married costs a fair bit of money (though I know there are ways of doing it cheaper) and causes a fair amount of stress (though I know this is the good kind of stress) so it’s not something we’ll rush.
We will get to it, that much I know, and I’ve let go of any preconceived notion that we need ‘X’ things to be in place before we do it.
Timelines can be scribbles.
The only other ‘failure’ I considered adding to this list (but quickly decided against) was not having children. I know there are people out there who believe choosing not to have children is a failure, but I almost don’t want to give those people the satisfaction of adding it to a list like this. It is not a failure in any shape or form.
People choose not to have kids for so many reasons. For some the decision is easy, for others it’s the hardest decision of their lives.
Either way - dubbing it a failure is offensive because you truly don’t know why someone has made this decision. It also has the devastating potential of including those who can’t have children. So there we go.
OK! That was a fun thought experiment, so thank you Michelle for encouraging your readers to join in. And thank you to any of my readers who got to the end, I so appreciate it.
Every now and then I look at my Substack subscriber numbers in wonder. I know a fair few of you are still here from my blogging/coaching days, so thank you for sticking around despite my ‘failure’ there ;)
What would be in your museum of failures and how would you reframe it? Let me know in the comments.
Until next time, take care.
Kat x
Thank you for sharing these. I have a fair few in common, and it really did make me think about what I TRULY regard as a failure and what society makes me feel is one. And thank you for sharing about your driving anxiety; I have sent to a friend who has been struggling a bit with this, too!