Craving balance
Hi friends,
It’s been a while, and I’m sure once you’ve read this update you’ll see why. This letter is somewhat of a follow-up from one I sent back in May where I described a craving for connection.
In that letter, I was writing on a rainy weekend about time spent with friends and the realisation I’d had around craving more connection in my life. Well, I’m pleased to report that I followed through with my hopes and summer has been full to the brim with connection.
Almost every weekend has been peppered with connection, including family birthdays, virtual coffee dates (and in-person coffee dates) with online connections, weddings, BBQs, company getaways (mine and Dan’s), and more. It felt great… and yet.
While this flurry of socialising took over my calendar, work picked up in intensity too. The project I wrote to you about, the podcast, is in full swing with me working hard to get everything ready for the end of August launch date.
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve felt myself beginning to fray at the edges. A tightness in my chest has made itself at home along with headaches, fatigue, nausea and a sore throat. At first I thought I was coming down with something, but at the time of writing, it’s not developed into an illness.
I’ve also had a couple of… fatigue attacks? This is not a technical term, but I don’t know how else to put it. It’s something I’ve experienced since Covid and happens when I overexert myself (I wonder, actually, if the technical term may be post-exertional malaise, but I appreciate this is associated with CFS which I’ve not been diagnosed with nor claim to have). Back then it happened after a walk into town, now it happens after a full-on few weeks.
When it happens, it’s like my soul leaves my body. I suddenly have no energy and struggle to do anything but stare into space. The most recent time it happened I had to stop eating dinner because I had no energy to chew. My reactions are delayed and good luck to anyone trying to hold a conversation with me. It’s like I’m not here. Thankfully they pass quickly enough, usually after a good night’s sleep.
These attacks and the recent run-down feeling, I think is quite simply my body saying ‘Slow down now’.
So I’m writing this halfway through a long weekend I booked with the intention of doing nothing. Well, not nothing, but not having any commitments to anyone else. A weekend to sleep in, read in cafes, play the Sims and, honestly, just recover a little. I’m hoping this will chase away the symptoms and give me the space I need to fill my introverted cup.
I’ve also booked myself a massage for the end of the month and a full week off work in September, including a two-night stay in a bougie hotel in London. I guess you could say I’m throwing some money at the situation.
All of this has taught me a lesson I seem to need to learn again and again, and that’s the importance of balance. Yes, I love connecting to others and this summer has made me so happy in that respect. But I also need to factor in time to recover. My energy levels simply aren’t the same as they were before Covid.
I’m also aware that this just happens to be a particularly busy time at work, and it won’t always be this way. The reason I’m giving it so much energy is because I’m so passionate and excited about the podcast and want it to be the best that it can be. It feels so good to have a project like this, but even here I’m aware I need to seek a little more balance moving forward.
So that’s where I’ve been the last couple of months. Throwing myself into connection while simultaneously giving work my all. No wonder writing here has fallen by the wayside. I’m working on it though, and with the breaks I have lined up, big and small, I’m already feeling a sense of balance returning.
How are you doing? Is your summer feeling delicious and slow, or are you spinning a little? Perhaps you’ve found the elusive balance (if so, do tell me your ways).
I’ll be back soon I’m sure, my upcoming weekends are looking gloriously, and intentionally, spacious so there’ll be plenty of room for writing. I’ve missed it here.
Until then, take care.
Kat x
This was a lovely re-assuring read for me. I recently heard someone say on a podcast (*source of all my life lessons*) that it was less about balance and more like walking on a tight rope... which I guess is balance, but learning that you need to lean a little more each way at certain times and I just really liked that visual :)